So, despite using Bumble since years, I still haven’t grasped the logic behind the move behind making females send the first message to ensure safety. Firstly, if a woman is matching with a prospect, she would have presumably already filtered out the ‘creeps’. Secondly, even if a ‘creep’ hasn’t been filtered out, how would sending the first message be helpful? Thirdly, and most importantly, almost all women initiate conversations with a generic ‘Hey’ or a similar opening line/question with no context to the prospect’s profile, likely picked up from somewhere on the internet. However, they have successfully marketed this approach, resulting in significant traction and the most equitable gender ratio amongst all apps (F: M::1:3). Thus, the three major players in the dating app space are Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge. While Tinder is more of a legacy product, Hinge and Bumble are newer platforms that cater to more up-to-date market needs.
Bumble is where I first interacted with her, and the introductory message was the complete opposite of a bland ‘Hi’ or some generic opening line. She had already visited this website and read a couple of articles before matching with me, as I had mentioned this interest in my profile. We hit it off amazingly well and decided to meet soon, as I prefer in-person interactions.
I have heard from numerous people about instances where they get along amazingly well with potential dates via online channels for days, if not weeks, through texts, calls, and other means, and then, as soon as they meet, everything fizzles out. It feels like there are two completely different personas in the online and offline space, impacting not just looks but the entire personality, communication style, and persona. This discrepancy is another significant reason for the high churn rate of dates via online channels.
One of the few things that infuriates me is last-minute cancellations or postponements of plans, especially dates. I mean, if you have confrontation issues around verbal communication, then seek professional help instead of leading a potential prospect, who might have rearranged their entire schedule just to see you. Moreover, there would have been so much anticipatory joy that would come crashing down, only to hear excuses like, “I got tied up and am sorry,” or even worse, experiencing ghosting, and then perhaps reaching out later with no sense of guilt. The actual reason for cancelling often lies in the lack of interest in meeting this person, despite having ‘dropped so many non-verbal cues’; the person should have understood. One of the major differences between humans and chimpanzees is that humans can speak, so utilize that ability, even if it is to express discontent or lack of interest.
That brings me to my first meeting with this girl. We had agreed on a date and time, and I was on my way to the cafe. I texted her, but she hadn’t left. It wasn’t because she was running late, but rather because she hadn’t planned on meeting me that day. Can you imagine someone doing that? Just for context, there have been instances where I have completely cut off people I have known for years, solely because of last-minute cancellations or a lack of communication.
However, in her case, the reason was quite different. She hadn’t planned on meeting me that day because we were supposed to meet the next day. It was confusion on my part and my mistake. But she did the exact opposite of last-minute cancellations; she came to meet me. She arrived at the cafe even before me. Now, this is the kind of attitude that is commendable.
Our in-person conversations were as engaging and mesmerizing as the ones we had on the phone. She possesses the gentle grace of a blossoming lotus and carries herself with serene confidence, her fair complexion reminiscent of moonlit jasmine petals. Her inner beauty outshines any superficial standard. She is a testament to the timeless allure of authenticity and the boundless capacity for love within us all.
We went to a cafe, ordered some evening snacks, and afterwards, I had to go to a nearby bar for some ‘research.’ We were getting along so well that she came along with me. On our way, we even stopped by a bookstore to buy a book on behavioural sciences that I had suggested to her. It was such a refreshing experience that I just didn’t want it to end. Unfortunately, she had to head back home as she stays at her parent’s house and has time restrictions. (Another reason why the bar culture never picked up in India is that the majority of girls have time restrictions at home)
Over the next few days, weeks, and months, we talked for hours daily and met numerous times. Our conversations ranged from random gossip about the city’s dating demographics to discussions as deep as potential mutual funds for investment. Time spent conversing with her just flew by. There were moments at the gym where instead of listening to music on AirPods, I would simply call her up. It wasn’t just idle chatter; I was in awe of her extremely positive attitude and drive, coupled with high learning agility and an even stronger bias for action. Despite facing significant personal battles and challenges within her family, her achievements and lofty personal aspirations, combined with humility, are truly admirable. In fact, despite running a highly successful family business with just her mother, she even managed to clear one of the toughest job interviews at a global corporate giant. I have never felt this humbled by anyone’s learning curiosity in my personal life. Her drive isn’t motivated by money, power, or fame, but solely by the love of the process.
I often say, “Do it for the love of the game, not for the win.” She truly embodies that quote every day.
Our motivations were surprisingly similar. Like me, she doesn’t indulge in any intoxicants, whether it’s smoking, drinking, or any other substances. Everything with her felt effortless, and she was always suggesting new ways I could achieve more, from something as simple as selecting mutual funds to even encouraging me to buy a selfie stick to share similar insights through videos on social media.
Anyway, coming to the MBA concept of a ‘Thought Circle‘
The field of Study chosen in teenage (after school) has a significant role to play in innate individual thought processes throughout life
This applies to individuals in professional & personal situations
Sample 1: Someone who studies engineering, bases individual thought process on the first principle approach/ logic (‘WHY’) and then to ‘HOW’ to approach the situation, then to ‘WHAT’
*Engineering aspirants in India prepare for quant-heavy entrance exams in their teenage which inculcate logic-based thinking
Sample 2: Someone who has studied accounting, bases individual thought process on ‘HOW’ it is being done in structures/ systems and by the book processes, then moves onto ‘WHAT’
Sample 3: Someone who has studied communications, bases individual thought process on ‘WHAT’ is being done by others
This is just regarding the conception of innate individual thought process; detailed thinking/decision-making involves numerous parameters including IQ, EQ, societal conditioning, emotions, past experiences, group thinking, and other stakeholders whose opinions hold significance for the individual
In all situations, innate ethics/ principles imbibed by the individual play a big role in drawing boundaries of moral conduct
*This doesn’t predict the success/ failure of any individual
A person can be a highly successful lawyer, CA, CPA, CFA, or even a hotelier and earn more than the entire graduating batch of an engineering college. Countless Nobel laureates across decades have come from the arts, philosophy, and other similar disciplines of study.
This framework primarily addresses the innate roots of any thought process from a person’s subconscious.
It has significant applicability in the dating setup, particularly in assessing relationship compatibility for long-term associations. For instance, if your partner is from a different circle, such as a relationship between an engineer and a lawyer, it might encounter hurdles when resolving conflicts around daily matters. An engineer would tend to rely on logic, while a lawyer might lean more towards established systems and processes. Additionally, several other societal parameters, including family dynamics, emotional intelligence, intelligence quotient, gender roles, and societal conditioning, also play a significant role, especially in conflict resolution.
Historically, one way this has been addressed is through clearly defined gender roles. However, with increased gender fluidity and empowerment, backed by women’s financial independence, gender-fluid relationships where partners have similar monthly remuneration (0.6x to 1.4x from active and passive incomes combined) may experience less friction around contentious topics. This suggests that, for example, if you are a bachelor of commerce, choosing a self-made partner who has studied law or is a CA, CPA, or CFA might lead to less friction in a long-term relationship compared to a partner with an engineering background, provided all other parameters are similar.
That brings me to the forever curious learner. So is this it? Has she finally found her pond of wisdom and knowledge? Have I finally found the one who will guide me from the still water in the pond to the flowing river stream?
Well, she completed her bachelor’s in commerce and her high drive stems from what the system instilled in her. Her dad enrolled her in classes with some well-renowned life coaches in her teenage years. She is striving for her best self in her career because she believes it is the only way to live a fulfilling life. She genuinely pursues her goals for the love of the game, not for money or any other reason. My drive to achieve more in life comes from an innate need rather than a mere desire, which is why I have pushed myself so hard; I felt there was no other option. She has the option to relax and enjoy the luxuries of life through her family’s passive income.
Regarding intoxicants, I refrained from consuming alcohol or smoking from an early age by sensing my addictive personality and issues with portion control. In her case, the practice is similar but the reason is different. She abstains from these things and even avoids consuming flesh or engaging in sexual intercourse before marriage because she is a ‘Radhaswami’ disciple. This difference in our thought processes, combined with fluid gender roles in our dynamic, could lead to significant challenges in a long-term romantic relationship. I am a rudimentary engineer who bases all decisions on a first-principle approach or pure logic. This website perfectly exemplifies that thought process.
Later,
Sidhant
